very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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