I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
