Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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