I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
