do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
