we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
