and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
