I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
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I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
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You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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