It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
