Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
