hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
