I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
