you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
