Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
