So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
