Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
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I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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