Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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