He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
