Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
