I understand Curling. That high.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
