I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
