I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
