I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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