I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
