She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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