You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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