john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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