Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
