I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
