I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
