so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
someone owes me an orgasm
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Randomize
