It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
