I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
