When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
