im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I have fence marks all over my body
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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