dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
