Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
