I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
