I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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