A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
