so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
