you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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