sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
