I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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