i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
