Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
