i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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