I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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