and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
