I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
