you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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