i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
