Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
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Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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