Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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