dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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