I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
