woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
